Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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