You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
