Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
