ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
