I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
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I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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