He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
