I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
