Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
