I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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