so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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