what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
