My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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