I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
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So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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