Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
