It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
