I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
