i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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