woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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