I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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