I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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