you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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