im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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