I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I look better un-naked...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
