My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
