I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
