I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
