last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize