is your mom at the bar?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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