You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
