So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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