Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
