So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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