she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
