I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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