Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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