i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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