Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
