Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
