i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
