i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
