It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
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