What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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