I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
