im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
