Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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