Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
