i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
