i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
