glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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