if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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