??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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