I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
