i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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