Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
there is puke in my bra ... again
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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