I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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