dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
