he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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